Friday, May 14, 2021

Joke of the day

How do you make a good egg roll?

Push it down a hill

Saturday, April 10, 2021

Seymour Butz

Have you ever heard of the following kind of jokes?

Books and their authors

Books Never Written Joke

'Under the Grand Stands' by Seymor Buts
'To the Outhouse' by Willie Maket, illustrated by Betty Wont
'How to Survive a Bear Attack' by Ben Eaton
'Walking to School' by Misty Bus
'How to Check a Pulse' by Izzy Dead
'Where Have All the Animals Gone?' by Darin Dabarn
'The Yellow River' by I.P. Daily
'Over the Mountaintop' by Hugo First
'The Numbers Game' by Cal Q. Later
'Rusty Bed Springs' by I.P. Freeley
'Falling Off a Cliff' by Eileen Dover
'The Joys of Drinking' by Al Coholic
'My Life with Igor' by Frank N. Stein
'Supporting Athletes' by Jacques Strappe
'I Was Prepared' by Justin Case
'Green Spots on the Wall' by Picken and Flicken
'Caulking Made Easy' by Phil McKrevis
'The Future of Robotics' by Cy Borg and Anne Droid
'What to Do if You're in a Car Accident' by Rhea Ender
'Breathing Lessons' by Hal E. Tosis
'Why Should I Walk?' by Iona Carr
'Deep in Debt' by Owen A. Lott
'Taking Tests' by B.A. Wiseman
'Pie' by Don Cherry
'Computer Memory' by Meg A. Byte
'Gotta Go' by C. U. Later
'How to Serve Your Fellow Man' by The Cannibals
'The Membership List' by Ross Terr
'The Giant Clock Tower' by 'Big' Ben
'All About Flowers' by Chris Anthymum
'Boy Scout Brigade' by Pat Troll
'The Lost Scout' by Werram Eye
'Late for Work' by Dr. Wages
'Ten Years in the Bathtub' by Rink Lee Prune
'How to Eat Cereal' by Poor A. Bowl
'Smelly Stuff' by Anita Bath
'Technology in the 21st Century' by Rob Ott
'A Safe Hitchiker's Guide' by Ren Tacar
'Things Women Can't Do' by B. A. Mann
'The Art of Being Discreet' by Anonymous
'Bubbles in the Bath' by Ivor Windybottom
'Microsoft Business Practices' by Eve Hill
'Gotta Go Again' by D. I. Aria
'Interesting Places Around The World' by Ben There & Don That
'101 Ways To Die' by Sue I. Cide
'Household Book of Tools' by M.C. Hammer
'Paris Monuments' by I. Phil Taurer
'The Bearded Chinaman' by Harry Chin
'How to Exercise' by Eileen and Ben Dover
'Magical Bed Wettings' by Peter Pants
'101 Ways to Diet' by I. M. Hungry
'Getting Fired' by Anita Job
'Great Restaurants' by Bo Leamick
'Crossing a Man with a Duck' by Willie Waddle
'A Sailor's Adventure' by Ron A. Ground
'Green Vegetables' by Brock Ali
'Raise Your Arms' by Harry Pitt
'Long Walk Home' by Miss. D. Bus
'Sitting on the Beach' by Sandy Cheeks
'Window Coverings' by Kurt and Rod
'Wheels in China' by Rick Shaw
'How To Dance' by Sheik Yerbouti
'Something Smells' by I. Ben Pharting
'I.Q. Competitions' by Samar T. Pants
'Depressing Jobs' by Paul Bearer
'The Skyline' by Bill Ding
'My Life as a Gas Station Attendant' by Phil R. Awp

which led me to this ad

Emotional First Aid

Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts

By Guy Winch, Ph.D.

Okay - not as funny, but plenty of irony

Tuesday, April 7, 2020

Funny Coronavirus Memes

Anthony Morrison

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Robert Kirby's Mormon Cocktails (Salt Lake Tribune)

For a future time, I might do these Mormon cocktails, courtesy of Kirby of the SL Tribune.

a "suit and tie with a twist." Translation: caffeine-free diet Coke, straw, lemon wedge.

Other Mormon social drinks include the "Surely Temple" (Sprite and any kind of fruit juice) and "Mud Backslider" (chocolate milk and a graham cracker).

Most Mormon "mocktails" rely on caffeine or sugar for the party buzz. Unfortunately, it takes a lot of either or both to feel it. You may have to rely on straight soda fountain syrup or undiluted fruit juice concentrate.

For what it's worth, here's a list of Mormon mixed drinks that may come up. The good news is that they're inexpensive and easy to make.

Ox in the Mire • Basically a root beer float, but really any soda pop with something frozen added to it. 7-Up and sherbet works.

Blood Atonement • Fruit punch concentrate and a splash of Tabasco Sauce.

Service Project • Any drink containing an actual food item — shredded carrots, fruit cocktail, turnip wedges or even ham chunks.

Scripture Chase • Shot of Red Bull with a liter of Pepsi chaser.

Mission Call • Glass of water.

High Council Toddy • Hot cocoa and Nyquil.

Rise and Shout • BYU-blue raspberry punch and marshmallows.

Home Teacher • Non-alcoholic beverage served at final moments of the party.

Apocalypse • Mountain Dew Code Red and a dozen NoDoz, shaken vigorously.

Jack Mormon • Whatever you got (and please sneak some booze into it).

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Canadian Joke

Today in front of a Canadian, I told some other Americans my joke about how Canada got it's name.
It was originally supposed to be named CND probably for Commonwealth National Democracy or some jive thing, but someone pronounced it C_eh_N_eh_D_eh

Saturday, December 3, 2011

April Fool's 2011

I'm almost ashamed to say I played this one, after the devastating effect it had on my son's psyche.
He had just turned fourteen and loves basketball and the NBA. He loves the Utah Jazz, as well as, follows the LA Lakers. They played in Utah on April 1st this year. So on his way to school that morning, I called his mother who was taking him to school and told her to tell him I had 3 tickets for the lakers that night. He was very happy and by the time he was getting ready to get out of the car, I told his mother to tell him April Fools. Well she did, hesitatingly. He broke down in tears, from the major disappointment. I had to profusely apologize to him on the phone. Then after school I had to take him out for a fountain drink. Every so often, he makes me buy him another one.

April Fool's 2005

In approximately 1995 I did an April Fool's joke on my co-worker. She was the office manager and I was a business consultant.

The workplace was a business consulting firm. They had a contract with the Minority Enterprise Development Administration to help minorities and women start businesses or expand their businesses with loan proposals, government procurement, business plans and other marketing.

Every government agency has an Inspector General that acts like an internal affairs cop on TV.

So I addressed a fedex letter package to the office and sealed it with a letter inside asking for various information on prior high profile clients. I'm not sure if the clients were too wealthy for our program or what, but there was reason to worry about something, although I can't remember what it was. The letter had all kinds of fake, but plausible information in it. Like, one of the DC addresses was Henry Kissinger Blvd.

I laid the sealed fedex letter on the back table so she would see it when she came back from lunch to use the copier or get something in the file room. She saw it asked about it, I said ya it came during lunch. Sorry forgot to tell you. She opened it and took it to her desk. She just kept saying, "oh my word, oh my word". She smoked on it for a minute, then went to the restroom. When she came back, she picked up the phone to call her boss in Portland that owned 5 of these centers. As she was dialing I handed her another copy of the letter, only the bottom signature person said April Fools with yellow highlighter. She said, "you mean that this is an April Fools joke". She didn't know whether to laugh, cry or kill me.

White House Years

Henry Kissinger

Best Price $2.37
or Buy New $20.16

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